Latest News – April 1
April 1st Security Upgrade at Leadville Courthouse
Last month’s presentation of the new security system to be installed at the Leadville courthouse may have been just what was needed to jump-start voter support of the necessary upgrades to the aging facility that local law enforcement has been advocating for years. However, for many at the February 30 meeting, the tipping point seemed to come when the advanced software components were revealed.
“If that machine can do all that, then I’m onboard,” stated Jean Jacket, a fourth generation Lake County rancher.
The new MOLE-X-Cavator 10200 provides the necessary state-of-the-art security equipment for a building that houses prisoner and prosecutor, as well as politician. Now every entrance to the facility will have a secured checkpoint, from the front door of the courthouse, to the rear, jail-intake portal. Residents will start to see these enormous 6’ x 5’ walk-through tunnels activated in Leadville Today, April 1st.
“I’m all for increased security, there’s dangerous people coming in and out of that building,” said Warren Peace, a life-long staff member. “And some of them are elected officials!”
One of the primary selling points of the new system is a meeting-eradicator. Have you grown tired of hearing local officials complain about how many meetings they sit in? As if they didn’t have a choice to make a change, a difference, especially in light if today’s advanced technologies! Then, you’ll be happy to know that the MOLE-X-Cavator 10200 will do it for them.
This exceptionally advanced feature logs in the number of hours that department heads, staff and elected officials spend in meetings each time they pass through the tunnel. Depending on the job, an alert will be sounded when that employee has exceeded their weekly meeting allotment. While the initial dial-in number will be 30 hours/week (an actual reduction in weekly hours for most) the goal is to bring that number all the way down to 10 hours, encouraging efficiency and public service. The software, in essence locks the employee out of any meetings through an electric shock process, helping public officials to develop a long-range aversion to ineffective, go-no-where gatherings.
In addition, through specially design tracking devices, the MOLE-x-Cavator will be able to determine when more than three county employees are gathered together discussing something without a posted or approved agenda. While attendees at the February 30 security meeting were balking at the additional $18.79/per person price tag, this feature seemed to be the main reason most voters saw the need in the first place.
The MOLE-x-Cavator’s superior sensors will be able to penetrate through wood, cement and yes, even Leadville’s hard-rock to get to the core of elected officials huddled together behind closed doors, allowing the light of the Sunshine Laws to disassemble and eradicate illegal gatherings.
In fact, recent studies by GAGG (Get Another Gauge Going) indicated that there are 100 times more meetings in Lake County today than there were just 5 years ago. That data was released in a study about how there have been more studies about studies in Lake County in the past five years than in other place in history.
Other Lake County residents weighed in online while the meeting was being broadcast live on Facebook, another campaign promise of government transparency that was finally met.
“I like the time auditing component,” posted Sally Mander. This advanced feature provides a productivity report, which calculates time spent in meetings, against actual agendas, against actual productivity and results. People were clearly amazed that the software immediately issued and distributed to voters, paperwork for a recall election when representatives scores fell below 65%, and for staff, it would be the first strike toward termination on their HR record.
While I appreciate that someone is “doing the best job they can,’” expressed Barry Cade on Facebook, “That doesn’t mean that they are the best person for the job!”
It’s no coincidence that this fascinating new technology has a mining connection. Much like the big equipment that is used to mine precious metals and gems from the earth, The MOLE-X-Cavator digs up, exposes and then extracts any impurities or dangerous sentiments, but with people. From what they think to what they wear, the MOLE exposes the truth!
No more complaints about inappropriate office attire like yoga pants or the hemlines of skirts and shorts. The MOLE-X-Cavator will include an immediate bend over check for men and women as part of local efforts to bring back some sense of dress code decorum, especially during the summer months. It may not be as good as the old-school nun check of kneeling on the ground to see if your hemline touches the floor, but at least it will avoid those embarrassing days when you were in too big of a hurry to do a back check in the mirror before you left for work and now it’s all anyone at the courthouse can talk about.
With the new equipment in place, residents can now know more than they ever wanted to know, like what a particular staff member had for lunch, or perhaps more importantly for the we’re-going-to-be-the-healthiest-county-in-the-world advocates, how many sugary cookie calories an elected official had at the another Master Plan Meeting.
Want to know about the heath of a particular payroll recipient, the MOLE-x-Cavator 10200, has the ability to conduct a quick blood scan, detecting any narcotics in the person’s system. It also includes a breathalyzer component.
“Great,” stated Lou Pole, an elected official in an off-the-record conversation with Leadville Today, “Now, how I supposed to get through all those meetings?” Others expressed a sigh of relief knowing it will finally put the prescription drug abuse rumors at the courthouse to rest.
The name of the equipment – MOLE-x-Cavator 10200 – is steeped in the world of espionage. In these secretive circles, a mole is known as a long-term spy who is recruited before having access to secret intelligence, subsequently managing to get into the target organization or government. While its origin is unclear, in journalism terms the word refers to a person on the inside that is always leaking and sharing sensitive information to local media, hence the phrase, “You’ve got moles in your camp.”
Traditionally, orchestrating this information within network security monitoring software has been complex, expensive, and out of reach for most counties, but now thanks to the MOLE-X-Cavator 10200, Lake County will take the lead in accountability and responsibility for public employees.
Now the rest of Lake County can see for themselves who always takes a long lunch break, what employees are constantly rolling into work in their yoga pants or what elected official never sees his office on Fridays. Effective network security monitoring allows voters to collect, analyze, and correlate security data from the comfort of their home computer.
Finally, residents can stop asking, posting, tweeting, and shouting to the local media: what ARE they doing up at that courthouse! Now you’ll know!
It’s important to note that delaying the decision of installing the new security system is something that courthouse employees would have preferred, as most have been taken off guard by the measure. In fact, the delivery of the new equipment was scheduled specifically to be done over the weekend, during a time when the building would be closed to the public. Residents will likely see truck activity as a half-dozen MOLE-X-Cavators converge on the historic courthouse. The machines are scheduled to be installed today, Saturday, April 1, also known as April Fool’s Day! Gottcha!